It's 2014.

Do you know what this means ?

This was going to be our year. Our escape.

The year we became everything that we wanted.

We were supposed to make plans for the future.

Our future.

This was the year I promised i'd visit more.

I'd let myself grow.

Fail.

Admire.

Love.

I really want to blame you for everything, but

the truth is, I can only blame myself.

I didn't save you. 

All I did was try and make you forget.

Forget the pain, the lonlyness, just forget.

I thought I was helping, but I know now

That your mind is everywhere with you

You can forget for a while but then it all comes back.

To haunt you, to torment.

I know fear. I know pain.

I know what it's like to feel worthless,

I repeat it in my head, but then I was told aloud.

It's all so real when you hear it from someone else.

Aloud.

You said I was strong. Why don't i believe you ?

I have always had the power to fight. But I wanna give up.

Give in.

This was going to be our year. Our escape.

Where do I go?

I know it's not true but I feel I have nowhere.

Noone.

I'm mad because you promised.

You said that in 2014 we'd live.

I'm mad because you promised.

You promised.

But I can't be because I failed you.

It's my fault. 

Maybe it's true.

Maybe I am worthless,

That's why you didn't stay fo me.

That's why nooone does.

The recipe for perfect Ice Cream.

It's not always but sometimes.

Sometimes but only sometimes.

We feel overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

Every day I see hundreds of people.

Some smile, some don't.

It's not always but sometimes.

Sometimes but only sometimes.

We feel alone while being in company.

See ourselves out of the circle.

Believe that we don't belong.

It's not always but sometimes

Sometimes, but only sometimes.

We feel angry. 

Nothing goes our way.

Try our hardest but still fail.

It's not always but sometimes

Sometimes, but only sometimes.

We feel lost.

Check the map but have no compass.

Forgot how to follow the sun.

It's not always but sometimes

Sometimes, but only sometimes.

We feel hopeless.

No shine for an unpolished soul.

Dust building up on the cobwebs

Emptiness in the corners.

It's not always but sometimes.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

I live

I feel

I desire.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

I forgive

I enjoy

I love.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

I learn

I grow

I gain.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

I remember those who made me grow

I cherish those who made me fight.

I aime* those who are happy to see me smile.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

Am I grateful for your power

Am I thankful for having met you.

Am I wishing you the best.

It's not sometimes but always.

Always.

[ Photo by Jasmyn: http://fightf0ryourlife.tumblr.com/tagged/personal ]

Powerful ice-cream

Tras enterarme del fallecimiento de un amigo de la infancia M.A
Tras enterarme del fallecimiento de un amigo de la infancia M.A.Castrillon pensé en lo efímera que es la vida. Pensé en todos las frases típicas " no sabes lo que tienes hasta que lo pierdes ", " Vive la vida como si no hubiese mañana". Mientras pensaba en estas frases pensé " y si yo me muero mañana ¿ Qué quedaría sin decir ? Algo que quizás nunca he expresado con palabras pero que lo siento. Pensé en mi familia , mi padre sabe que para mi es muy grande , mi madre sabe que a ella se lo debo todo y mi hermana sabe que le quiero muchissimo y que no imagino mi vida sin ella. Cuando se va de vacaciones estoy feliz puesto que tengo la habitación para mi sola y no tener que recojer tras suya pero igualmente sabe que espero atentamente su regreso aunque cuando entre por la puerta no mueva el rabo como lo hace Nyela Vagabunda.Pero ella lo sabe. Mis amigos , aquellos a los que considero mis amigos lo saben , se lo digo cuando los veo. Mientras pensaba en estas personas se me vino un nombre a la cabeza . Paula. Creo que era la unica amiga a la que realemnte nunca le he dicho lo que significaba para mi.
Mi amiga Paula. Persona no tan grande de estatura pero de corazón enorme y carácter in maleable.
Sincerándome no recuerdo la primera vez que te conocí , para mi fue un día cualquiera de 1º de Eso en La Jarcia, aunque previamente nos habíamos visto en El Reggio.Ese día no lo recuerdo. Sí recuerdo los buenos momentos que hemos vivido durante los años, de todos no , claro , pero seguramente si me refrescas la memoria me acordaré.
La razón por la que Paula esta en la lista de mis personas favoritas es porque no creo haberle contado nada sobre mí, pero me transmite que lo sabe todo.Me conoce lo suficiente como para no preguntarme. En su cabeza creo que piensa " que me lo cuente si quiere y cuando esté preparada la escucharé". Quizás me equivoco , pero es lo que siento.
Sé que no es persona de grandes grupos y es mas de amistades fuertes e individuales.Recuerdo que si presencia tras mi gran ego es para muchos nulo ,pero yo lo siento. Yo sé cuando falta o cuando algo le ocurre. Paula es de esas personas que para los que somos cercanos a ella es como una masa de energía.Algo que cuando falla, fallas tú.
Paula fue una de las personas que durante mi época de idiotez no paraba de recordarme que no era idiota , que soy inteligente pero que en ese momento estaba bloqueada. Me ayudó seguir adelante a pesar de tener ella también sus problemas. Paula jamás quitó el hombro cuando necesitaba apoyarme o escondió los brazos cuando necesitaba que me arropasen.
Paula es esa persona que necesito para estar en equilibrio tanto conmigo mismo como con los demás.Con una sola mirada me decía "sauda controlate"pero a la vez me dejaba libertad para decidir si hacerle caso o seguir como mi ignorancia. Sabe que es lo mejor para mi en la mayoria de los momentos.
Es aquella persona con la que te puedes reír de cualquier cosas sin necesidad de pensar. Es de las pocas que me devuelve la sonrisa cuando le saludo temprano por las mañanas. Aquella persona que se enoja por las desigualdades y que se cabrea cuando algo no le sale como planeado. Pero no se rinde. Recuerdo tener que ir a correr para E.Física y en ningún momento ví a Paula decir "no puedo". Vale sí , lo dijo oralemente mas de una vez pero aun así seguia adelante. Si no podía correr , andaba pero no se paraba.
Paula seguro que tienes a muchas personas que te lo dicen : Eres una gran persona , que con la cual dudo poder haber logrado tantas cosas. Pensarás sauda siempre con sus exageraciones pero no. Creeme dudo que alguna vez hubiese salido a la pizarra en matemáticas ,hablado en francés y dudo que hubiese aprendido a controlarme.
Este año no te tengo en mi clase , a mi lado para que hablemos cuando hay que hablar y callemos cuando hay que atender.Te lo digo muchas veces eres mi buena influencia , la que intenta que evite lo amlo.Paula mi gran apoyo.
Así que si mañana muriese que no quede sin decir. Muchas Gracias Paula por Todo, absolutamente Todo.
No te puedo prometer que voy a ser tu amiga para siempre ni que siempre voy a estar alli a tu lado ,pero si te aseguro que el tiempo que he pasado contigo ha sido de lo mas placentero y productivo y tengo la sensacion de que aquellos que nos quedan no serán menos.
Recuerdalo Sauda A. te quiere.
Belleza de persona Paula A.

I love ice cream

Every time I look at you , I see my reflexion.
You want to know everything , and ask loads of questions.
I love you , more than you could ever imagine .
I love the way you come and run up to me when we see each other.
The way you always want me to be around.
I love the way you never want to get down once I have picked you up.
The way you always want me to pay attention to you.
I remember you knew all about dinosaurs and you would teach me about them.
I remember you holding my hand running down hills in Las Canteras.
I remember when you tried to walk Nyela and she kept on pulling .
I love the way you teach your younger brother how to count.
When you climbed the tree and then forgot how to get down.
When you help your mum with the cooking.
I remember you face when I draw you a Gormiti.

" De mayor voy a ser dibujante de comics "
" De mayor voy a ser cocinero "

When you are older you will be whatever you please .

S.A- De mayor voy a ser piloto de aviones
S.T- No
S.A - Porque no ?
S.T - Porque no te pega ser piloto
S.A - Y entonces que me pega ?
S.T - Payaso
S.A - Payaso y eso porque ?
S.T - Porque haces reir a la gente .

Those words I will never forget , or I might , but i will definitely forget
your happy face when you said that to me .

Your mum told me about the day that she heard a loud noise in her house ,
that woke all of you . Your father was working away and had been for some time.
So you got up and went to look around the house with your mum . Neither of you
found anything strange and went to bed , to your mums bed and you said :

" Mama no te preocupes , que yo me acuesto aqui y asi estas protegida "

The innocence behind those words.

I hope that you grow up to be a noble person , as you are now.
I wish that I could be there on every step of your journey.
I wish to be someone that you look up to.

I love you .

Bitter ice-cream

We are best friends.

We send each other e-mails evereyday.

I feel as if I live every moment with you even if you don't live close.

You tell me every little detail of every one of your days.

Yes , sometimes we fight. But don't all friends.

I remeber when we sat on the hill and we read poetry aloud.

People would walk past and we would smile.

The breeze, the blue sky , the green grass , the warm sun.

The sound of your contagious laughter.

You would call me one day out of the blue and want to meet up.

We would go to a park bench an sit there for hours , not a word said.

Just staring at the lake, the ducks and the passers.

You said I was the funniest person in the world.

But really you just laugh at everything.

Your all around happiness.

We were best friends , we told each other everything.Everything.

You told me that you were having trouble at school.

That you hated going there , you weren't comfortable there.

What did I say ? It will get better, I'm sure that someone there is worth the while.

Everyday you told me how you hated it more and more.

And I found it harder and harder to make you laugh. to make you smile.

I tried to make you forget about everything when we were together.

I made you sit on the hill , our hill , close your eyes and just listen to what was going on.

We learnt how to fly in our dreams.

You would burst into tears, because you weren't able to get all of your problems out of your head.

What could I do now ? I can't give up I told myself.

You were more and more upset each day.

So I tried harder, I spoke to everyone , I didn't tell them what was going on , but I told them to be nice, polite , loving because you were going throught a difficult moment.

Nothing was working.

We " ran away " on a week-end holiday.

There as usual we pretended to be different people. This time we were two young rich girls. Like the ones we can't stand.

In the hotel we would speak correctly , always be polite and wear expensive looking clothes.

I remeber the guy that actually thought that we were an emabassador's neices.

We were so good at acting.

We were good at so many things, when we were together we could do almost anything.

After the trip, things got better. You started going out more , smiling , laughing.

Everyone told me that you were making great progress.

I forgot how good we were at acting. Now I don't know if I ever helped you , or maybe you were just acting.

I'd like to think that maybe I helped, even if it was jus a little.

I'm sorry that I didn't know better. I'm sorry to have left you a little to the side, so that I could focous on my finals.

Not many days ago one of my class mates told me that he was going to be tied to a train track. I laughed, he asked me if I was going to help him. I said no of course , but not beacuse of what he was saying but just to no do anything for him ,to get on his nerves one could say.

He told me how he had it all planned out. He was laughing , joking about it with his friends and class mates. The Fair in my town has just finished, the said that he was going to die during the fair . I am so glad that he didn't . If he had I would have felt so ... I don't know what I would have felt , but I would have been so mad at me for not thinking that he was serious, for not helping him . Tomorrow first thing in the morning I am going to tell him to not ever think about that again. To not joke around with those words.

That brings me back to a memory of when my sister said : well I might as well kill myself . I remeber my father talking very seriously to her . I wasn't allowed in the room but knowing my father I could tell that he wasn't in a joking mood.

I am so sorry to not have been there to stop you . I'm sorry that you didn't even wait for me to respond your last e-mail. Probably because you knew that I would have ran to you house as fast as my legs could carry me and even faster.

"I will never forget what you have done for me.I will never forget that you were my true best friend. I'm s sorry that I am going to make you upset for a while, but I know that you can over come it . You are strong , you have always been the stonger one of us . You have always had the power to fight. I never knew why you always chose the hard way . I have always loved your carisma , and the way you can convince anyone . I love the way we used to act out scenes from our favourit films. Everytime I asked you for a song to listen to you would almost always tell me to listen to To Build a Home . I remember when you fell face flat on the ground in the street and instead of lying there you stood up straight away and said Ta-da ![...]

I am most certain that you will become anything that you want. Unless you change your mind you will be a fantastic Piolot. Travelling the world helping the less fortunate. Always willing to give up you time to help someone in need, even if that meant that you were for weeks with only 2 hours of sleep a night.

The world doesn't know what treasure it has in you."

My response to this e-mail would have probably been a knock on your door with a tub of Ice - cream and saying, please don't do it , lets sit and talk about it. But it's too late now. So here goes.

I will miss you so much , I don't think I will find someone with whom I am so confident. That has never said anything to put me down. That has always supported me . That has done so many things for me , you may not think of it but the littlest of things that you did made my day. I will now go to our hill and read to you . I will read a little louder to make sure that you hear me in heaven. I will take our videos in which we are laughing and planning our future. I will now have to change my future seeing as you are no longer with me.

I don't know what to say apart from I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop you, and that I will love you forever.Forevere is a long time , I know , but you you will never stop beeing loved especially by me and your family. And yet again I am hearing To Build a Home, but this time , it has more meaning than it ever has.

Make sure to be on our hill on a clear , sunny day , for there I'll be reading our favourite book,watching you blossom in every word I read out loud.

Love S.

It's never too late for ice-cream

My 2010 resolution was to be a better person , to always thank peolple for what they have done for me and to learn from my experiences.

2010 wasn't a great year but I still had great moments.

School Trip .

Stupid things with great people make life worth living.



Summer in London with Ngozi Allen




Weekend at Alejandro's house.


Nothing like a summer evening in a pool , playing tennis , COD or doing nothing at all.





Birthday

A normal afternoon with friends.






Anabel Ocaña - Isabel Bohorquez


Dancing my way out of misery.




Port Aventura






It's never too late to thank you.





Maria Isabel Sánchez -... for letting me be me where and whenever.

Angela Reyes - ... for calling me every Tuesday and asking me how my day was.


Abel Otero - ...for making me realise that some people do listen to the answers of their quiestions.


Javier Rodriguez - ... for never judging and for reminding me to ask how people are once in a while.


Paula Azuzena Amaya - ... for changing my day with big words and supporting me every day.


Claudio Tomi - ... for not forgetting and still talking as good friends.


Juan Rodriguez - ...for always smiling at my rubbish jokes.


Fernando Sánchez - ... for laughing with me.


Juan José Garcia - ... for making me laugh at our shit school.


Isabel Bohorquez - ... for being you.


Juan Montero - ... for waiting with me for the bus on a cold and windy day.


Maria Hermida - ... for never letting go.


Matilde Tercero - ... for giving me everything.


Alejandro Ramírez - ... for always helping no matter what.


Benjamin Oneti - ... for not always letting me have my way.


Adrian Mateo - ...for looking out for everyone , always.






Dreams are only dreams for people who can't be botherd to pursue them , to the rest they are reality. - S.Allen

You , you and you

It's just another day in my least normal life.

But this day is going to be about You .

You who brought me to this world .

You who looks after me .

You who I love and admire.

I thank you for teaching me , not to eat of a dirty table . To share , to not contradict ,

to be kind , to always look out for other people.

You've taught me not to be greedy . And ask only what I need.

I need , no more than I have . But you have always made sure I have much more than I need.

Sunday mornings = national portrait gallery , science or natural history museum ...

You are the only person I know and will ever know that will not eat for years if necessery just so my sister and I could stuff our faces.

You let me stay out late , travel the world by bus if I wanted to ...

I am grateful to have YOU as my mother .

And yes of course , I've said you're stupid and I get cross , and I say you shout alot .

But that's all part of you . And I wouldn't want you to change.

I love YOU , Ngozi loves you . And that's all that matters.