Bitter ice-cream

We are best friends.

We send each other e-mails evereyday.

I feel as if I live every moment with you even if you don't live close.

You tell me every little detail of every one of your days.

Yes , sometimes we fight. But don't all friends.

I remeber when we sat on the hill and we read poetry aloud.

People would walk past and we would smile.

The breeze, the blue sky , the green grass , the warm sun.

The sound of your contagious laughter.

You would call me one day out of the blue and want to meet up.

We would go to a park bench an sit there for hours , not a word said.

Just staring at the lake, the ducks and the passers.

You said I was the funniest person in the world.

But really you just laugh at everything.

Your all around happiness.

We were best friends , we told each other everything.Everything.

You told me that you were having trouble at school.

That you hated going there , you weren't comfortable there.

What did I say ? It will get better, I'm sure that someone there is worth the while.

Everyday you told me how you hated it more and more.

And I found it harder and harder to make you laugh. to make you smile.

I tried to make you forget about everything when we were together.

I made you sit on the hill , our hill , close your eyes and just listen to what was going on.

We learnt how to fly in our dreams.

You would burst into tears, because you weren't able to get all of your problems out of your head.

What could I do now ? I can't give up I told myself.

You were more and more upset each day.

So I tried harder, I spoke to everyone , I didn't tell them what was going on , but I told them to be nice, polite , loving because you were going throught a difficult moment.

Nothing was working.

We " ran away " on a week-end holiday.

There as usual we pretended to be different people. This time we were two young rich girls. Like the ones we can't stand.

In the hotel we would speak correctly , always be polite and wear expensive looking clothes.

I remeber the guy that actually thought that we were an emabassador's neices.

We were so good at acting.

We were good at so many things, when we were together we could do almost anything.

After the trip, things got better. You started going out more , smiling , laughing.

Everyone told me that you were making great progress.

I forgot how good we were at acting. Now I don't know if I ever helped you , or maybe you were just acting.

I'd like to think that maybe I helped, even if it was jus a little.

I'm sorry that I didn't know better. I'm sorry to have left you a little to the side, so that I could focous on my finals.

Not many days ago one of my class mates told me that he was going to be tied to a train track. I laughed, he asked me if I was going to help him. I said no of course , but not beacuse of what he was saying but just to no do anything for him ,to get on his nerves one could say.

He told me how he had it all planned out. He was laughing , joking about it with his friends and class mates. The Fair in my town has just finished, the said that he was going to die during the fair . I am so glad that he didn't . If he had I would have felt so ... I don't know what I would have felt , but I would have been so mad at me for not thinking that he was serious, for not helping him . Tomorrow first thing in the morning I am going to tell him to not ever think about that again. To not joke around with those words.

That brings me back to a memory of when my sister said : well I might as well kill myself . I remeber my father talking very seriously to her . I wasn't allowed in the room but knowing my father I could tell that he wasn't in a joking mood.

I am so sorry to not have been there to stop you . I'm sorry that you didn't even wait for me to respond your last e-mail. Probably because you knew that I would have ran to you house as fast as my legs could carry me and even faster.

"I will never forget what you have done for me.I will never forget that you were my true best friend. I'm s sorry that I am going to make you upset for a while, but I know that you can over come it . You are strong , you have always been the stonger one of us . You have always had the power to fight. I never knew why you always chose the hard way . I have always loved your carisma , and the way you can convince anyone . I love the way we used to act out scenes from our favourit films. Everytime I asked you for a song to listen to you would almost always tell me to listen to To Build a Home . I remember when you fell face flat on the ground in the street and instead of lying there you stood up straight away and said Ta-da ![...]

I am most certain that you will become anything that you want. Unless you change your mind you will be a fantastic Piolot. Travelling the world helping the less fortunate. Always willing to give up you time to help someone in need, even if that meant that you were for weeks with only 2 hours of sleep a night.

The world doesn't know what treasure it has in you."

My response to this e-mail would have probably been a knock on your door with a tub of Ice - cream and saying, please don't do it , lets sit and talk about it. But it's too late now. So here goes.

I will miss you so much , I don't think I will find someone with whom I am so confident. That has never said anything to put me down. That has always supported me . That has done so many things for me , you may not think of it but the littlest of things that you did made my day. I will now go to our hill and read to you . I will read a little louder to make sure that you hear me in heaven. I will take our videos in which we are laughing and planning our future. I will now have to change my future seeing as you are no longer with me.

I don't know what to say apart from I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop you, and that I will love you forever.Forevere is a long time , I know , but you you will never stop beeing loved especially by me and your family. And yet again I am hearing To Build a Home, but this time , it has more meaning than it ever has.

Make sure to be on our hill on a clear , sunny day , for there I'll be reading our favourite book,watching you blossom in every word I read out loud.

Love S.